Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Ad2mny, Jul 3, 2016.
Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.
Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers grabs the old man and asks, "What's going on?"
The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and we attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer asks, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old man says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time!"
I'll never forget the last words my Grandfather ever spoke to me...
"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE SH!T!!l
Long but well worth the read;
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though."
"Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
A slightly drunk woman is watching the TV.
"Don't go in there, stay out of that church you stupid woman!!" she yells!
"What are you watching dear?" her husband asks.
"Our wedding video"
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
A man in hospital is getting his results.
The doctor says "Well there's good news and there's bad news."
"I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Well there's no easy way to say this, but we're gonna have to amputate your legs."
"Oh no!" exclaims the man, "but what's the good news?"
The doctor points to the old man in the bed across the room "He wants to give you $30 for your slippers..."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
A circus owner ran an ad that says, 'lion tamer wanted', and two people showed up.
One is a ROOZ moderator who believes his time moderating the rabid forum members on raceonoz.com gives him excellent credentials for lion taming and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing!
I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the ROOZ moderator and asks, "Can you top that?"
The ROOZ moderator replies, "Possibly, but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
A wealthy gentleman decided to do a world tour of golf courses. He recruited a young man to be his golf partner and a young lady to provide company and erm soothing comforts.
It turned out that the young lady was actually an excellent golfer but the young guy sucked.
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous,
almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks very slow and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him.
One of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. We couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought – but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought – but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"Well, I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!"
Two ROOZ members decide to try their hand at hunting, as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first ROOZ member says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"
The second ROOZ member says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first ROOZ member says, "Hey, there's an old gearbox over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first ROOZ member says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes goin' bout a hunnerd miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "Naa, that's impossible.
I had him chained to an old gearbox!"
Two ROOZ Moderators named Stuey and Jamie, hired a pilot to fly them into the outback to hunt, where they managed to kill two huge wild pigs.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take them, their gear and only one pig.
The ROOZ Moderators objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two and the pilot let us take them both and he had exactly the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing into the scrub.
Somehow, surrounded by the pigs, clothing and sleeping bags, Stuey and Jamie survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Stuey asked Jamie, "Any idea where we are?"
Jamie replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
During his physical the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
The patient described a typical day this way.
“Well, yesterday afternoon I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy scrub, jumped away from an aggressive brown snake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of blackberries, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,“You must be one hell of an outdoors-man!”
”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a crappy golfer.”
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They decided they'd both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who remarked, "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."
They both decided to ride the donkey.
They passed some people who shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.