ADZ'S JOKE OF THE DAY... erm WEEK maybe?!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Ad2mny, Jul 3, 2016.

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  1. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.

    He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now."

    The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
    The Queensland Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face. "See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish....
    On any land!
    No questions asked!
    Do you understand ?!!"

    The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.

    A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town......

    With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

    The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

    "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
  2. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    This one from @Cyberstig1

    THE BLONDE COWBOY

    (In the Interests of Balance)



    A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

    As he is locking him up, he asks, why in the world are you walking around like this?


    The cowboy says: Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.


    We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

    Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.

    Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts..... So I did.

    Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ........ "Now go to town cowboy."

    So here I am.

    Son of a gun........ blonde men do exist!

    First time we have ever seen a Blonde Man joke !
    Ad2mny, Peter Wise and Tristan Jones like this.
  3. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
  4. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
    So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
    The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask his advice.
    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
    The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
  5. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    (You're gonna love this.)

    The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    (You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

    Never take life too seriously.
  6. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    "An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
  7. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Sean Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of antique furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.

    After arriving in Paris he visited some manufacturers and selected a line he thought would sell well back home.

    To celebrate the new acquisition he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

    As he sat enjoying his wine he noticed the small place was quite crowded, and the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

    Before long a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in French, which Murphy could not understand, so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

    He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

    After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

    Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

    To this day Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
  8. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    There is more money being spent on breast implants & Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

    This means that by 2035, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
    Peter Wise, Cyberstig1 and Ad2mny like this.
  9. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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  10. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

    She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

    Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

    She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
    1 You have to be single and
    2 You must be Catholic.”

    The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

    “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

    "Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

    The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!"
    Woody, Nathancarhead, Ad2mny and 2 others like this.
  11. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    While enjoying their evening cocktails the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No," said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
    He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

    She then asked him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

    "Uh... no, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

    She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

    "Now," she said, "have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No" he said, trying to contain his excitement.

    She said "Check the garage."
  12. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A fur seal goes into a bar.
    The Barman says “what you having?”
    The seal replies “anything but a Canadian Club”
  13. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    [​IMG]

    An elderly man owned a large farm which had a large pond down the back with a picnic table, horseshoe court, and some apple and peach trees.

    One afternoon the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and collect some fruit so he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to carry the fruit in.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing and as he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

    The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked”

    Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the crocodile”

    Some old men can still think fast.
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