ADZ'S JOKE OF THE DAY... erm WEEK maybe?!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Ad2mny, Jul 3, 2016.

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  1. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
    leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep
  2. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    DEAR NEIGHBOR:

    Hi, Mike. This is Jim, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you
    face-to-face. When you're not around I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

    Jim

    Mike, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Jim dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Jim.

    SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

    Hi, Mike. Jim here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed the darned Spell-Check changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
  3. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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  4. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Breaking News! A pensioner drove his Ford Ute to 100 kmh on a back road but looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

    The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

    The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

    The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "....
  5. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

    The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
    The man was impressed.

    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
    Again, the man is impressed.

    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

    Obviously, the man was impressed.

    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

    Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
  6. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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  7. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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  8. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

    "Love dress? But you're naked!"

    "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

    The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she replied.

    "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
  9. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    emmo46 --------- team GRT
    A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Sue, and her breasts were so large they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

    Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

    They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

    One of the ladies approached Sue very discreetly about the problem and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

    The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

    The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

    ”Dew to thircumsthanthes bewond my contwowl, we wiwll not be habbin any thermon tewday”.
  10. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Tony walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

    Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

    Tony seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, “Sophia, do you wear red-a panties tonight?”
    Startled, Sophia replies, “Yes, Tony, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?”

    Tony answers, “I see-a the reflection ina my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like-a them?”

    Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, “Rosa, do you wea white panties tonight?”
    Rosa answers, “Yes, Tony, I do, but how do you know that?”
    He replies, “I see-a the reflection ina my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like-a them?”

    Tony dances with many young ladies this evening and the same question is asked and answered by a very surprised young lady each time.

    Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Tony asks Carmela to dance.

    Midway through the dance his face turns red...

    He states, “Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tella me you wear no panties tonight.” “Please, please, tella me this true!”

    Carmela smiles coyly and answers, “Yes Tony, I wear no panties tonight”

    Tony gasps, “Thanka God! I thought I had a crack ina my $300 Armani leather shoes!”
  11. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    emmo46 --------- team GRT
    A man stood at the side of the road hitchhiking in the dark of night in a bad storm. As the night passed by no cars passed him. The storm had gotten so bad he could only see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

    The guy without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, to realize that nobody was behind the wheel.

    The car started slowly. the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.

    Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.
    The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched the hand appear every time before a curve.

    The guy gathered his strength, got out of the car, and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar, and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

    A silence enveloped everybody, when they realized the guy was crying and was not drunk.

    About an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other, "Look Bubba, That's the jerk that climbed into the car while we were pushing it.
    Peter Wise, Ad2mny and garyw61 like this.
  12. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS
    A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.

    St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
    She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
    St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
    The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
    St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

    The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...
  13. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    emmo46 --------- team GRT
    80,000 Blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, " We are all here to prove to the world that all blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

    A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

    The leader asks her, " What is 15 plus 15?"
    After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
    Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed.
    Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance!"

    The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have global broadcast media here, I guess we can give her another chance."
    So she asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
    After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

    The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets put a dejected sigh. Everyone is dishearten - the blonde starts crying, and the 80,000 girls start yelling, waving their hands, shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

    The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK ! Just one more chance- What is 2 plus 2?"
    The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute says, "Four?"

    Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

    "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
  14. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    emmo46 --------- team GRT
    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.Walking is especially beneficial

    - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will makedelivery that much easier.

    Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

    In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?

    Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
  15. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    emmo46 --------- team GRT
    The wife and I were driving home in the rain last night when I ran over a possum. I got out and it was still alive so decided to take it to a vet.
    My wife had it on her lap and it started to shiver so I told her to warm it up by putting it between her legs, she sounded alarmed and said that it was wet and smelly. So I told her to just hold the little possum's nose and it would be OK.
    I should be out of the ICU by Monday they tell me.
    Cyberstig1 and garyw61 like this.
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