ADZ'S JOKE OF THE DAY... erm WEEK maybe?!!

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  1. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    And God saw it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
    For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God, again saw it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Your Life has now been explained to you.
  2. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A young bloke with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into Centrelink to sign some paperwork. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E being on the DOLE. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing and all that."

    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull:):):):)tin' me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
    You started it." .....
  3. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Woman:
    Do you drink beer?
    Man: Yes

    Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    Man:
    Usually about 3

    Woman:
    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man:
    $5.00 including tips

    Woman:
    And how long have you been drinking?

    Man:
    About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman:
    So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:
    No.

    Man:
    Where's your Ferrari?
  4. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Three women were at the doctors office for their second tri-mester check up. The first woman, a brunnete, was adamant she was going to have a girl because when she made love she was on top. The second woman, also a brunnete affirmed she was having a boy because she was on the bottom.

    The third woman, a blonde, started bawling with her head in her hands.

    "Oh no...... Puppies!!"
  5. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    My wife left me this morning. I was pretty upset about it, but I told myself it was for the best.

    So to help me deal with the pain, I sold most of our old furniture and bought myself a dirt bike, spent a couple of hundred dollars on alcohol, found myself a new girl half my age and have invited the guys over for a party to end all party's.

    The missus is probably gonna be pretty upset when she gets home from work...
  6. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    The worst pain ever...

    You often hear mothers bragging that they have endured the most excruciating pain ever with child-birth, claiming that it would feel worse than a guy getting kicked in the balls...HARD!! Now I disagree totally here. I believe they have it the wrong way around. You see, after a short time, a woman will say "I wanna have another baby". You will never hear a man say "hmmm, think I'd like to get kicked in the balls again..."
  7. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

    The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari..."
  8. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knew it was 3:00 AM.

    "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

    She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

    He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

    "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
  9. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    "Hello, is this the police?"

    "Yes it is. How can we help you?"

    "I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

    "Thank you very much for the call."

    The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

    The phone rings at Wazza's house.

    "Hey, Wazz, did the cops come?"
    "Yeah!"
    "Did they chop up your firewood?"
    "Yep."
    "Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!"
  10. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A married couple is driving down the highway doing 100km/h. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

    The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 110km/h.

    She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

    Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

    She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 130km/h.

    She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 140km/h.

    She says, "I want the car, the chequebook account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

    The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

    She asks, "What's that?"

    The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 150km/h, "I've got the airbag!"
  11. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The MD made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

    'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what! happens."

    Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

    So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

    Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

    "Damn it Earl, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"
  12. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A cop pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 70km/h in a 60 zone.

    "I was only going 60!" the driver protested.

    "Not according to my radar," the cop said.

    "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

    "No you weren't!" the officer said.

    With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking..."
  13. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

    "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
  14. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

    "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

    The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range.

    He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

    The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

    The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

    Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

    He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh no! I was riding the mare!"
  15. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

    Driving his partner nuts.

    Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

    The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

    "Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
  16. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning tea and whacked him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your back pocket with the name 'MaryLou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have a damn good explanation!"

    "Honey, please calm down!" the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

    The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and whacked him again.

    "What was that for?" he complained.

    "Your dog called last night!"
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  17. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

    Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

    "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

    "Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
  18. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

    The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

    She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    "My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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  19. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

    screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. a constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

    He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

    The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

    The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig....

    I had him buried upside down."
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  20. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

    When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

    "When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I nearly died in a car crash, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

    "You know what?"

    "What, dear?" his wife asked gently.

    "I think you bring me bad luck."
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