ADZ'S JOKE OF THE DAY... erm WEEK maybe?!!

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  1. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    What is with these 'no-name' brands at the supermarkets? I pulled aside the manager at my local supermarket in the toilet paper aisle and posed the question .

    "Well," he started "... we are offering a toilet tissue which has similar quality to the more popular brands but at a cheaper price. We don't put fancy labels on as they are not necessary. Why don't you take home some of our 'no-name' toilet tissue, for free, and let us know what you think?"

    Free toilet paper? Why the hell not?!!

    Well the next day, I stormed back in to the supermarket and threw back down on the counter in front of the manager what was left of the so called 'toilet paper'.

    "I am very disappointed in this product, but I have come up with a name for it..."

    Manager "Have you now?"

    "Yes, you must name it 'Chuck Norris Toilet Paper'!"

    "Chuck Norris toilet paper?!!" asked the manager incredulously.

    "Yes!! It's rough, it's tough, and it don't take no sh#t from no-one..!!"
  2. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

    His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way, and meet here early Christmas morning."

    Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course!

    The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

    Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

    Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

    They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

    "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke the wife up early, gave her a couple of pinches and a wink, and said, 'Well, babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf, '.... and she said..... "Take your sweater."
  3. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

    "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
  4. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

    "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

    "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

    "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
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  5. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

    "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

    "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

    "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

    "Is that when you swore?"

    "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

    "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

    "Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

    "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

    "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws" , it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

    "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

    "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sandtrap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

    The two nuns were silent for a moment.

    Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?"
  6. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

    He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day! "

    The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
  7. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?"

    "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too" she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
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  8. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she sat happily in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

    One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

    The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

    Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.

    Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

    "Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

    "Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.

    Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."

    At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt a feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

    The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"

    Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

    The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

    For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, "Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
  9. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons.

    She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

    The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

    As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Safeway manager runs out and unplugs the ride...
  10. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A married couple are asleep in bed. They are awakened to a thumping on the front door. The husband looks over at the clock. "Geez its bloody 2:30am who could that be?!!"

    He puts his dressing gown on and plods bleary eyed to the front door.

    He is greeted by a man slouched against his house, and as it is pouring with rain he is absolutely soaked. The husband takes all this in at a glance and says "Do you realise what time it is? You better have a good reason for waking us?!"

    The stranger at the door tries to stand but is very obviously intoxicated.

    "Shorry to disturb you mate.." he slurs"..but I wonder if I could trouble you for a push?"

    "Are you kidding!!" the husband fires back at the stranger, "at this time of the morning in this weather?!! Get a cab and go home!"

    He slams the door in the strangers face and heads back to the bedroom, muttering under his breath about the nerve of the stranger. "What was that about?" his wife inquires. "Oh some drunk guy asking for a push, I sent him on his way. There's no way I was going out there for him!"

    The wife asks "You are not going to help him?" "Hell no, why would I?"

    "Do you not remember?"

    "Remember what?" replied the husband.

    "Only 3 weeks ago? Those two guys who helped you with your puncture on the highway on your way to work? This is your chance to repay the good karma and help this poor guy out!"

    The man feels ashamed and begrudgingly accepts that he should help this guy out. He grabs his coat and heads to the front door again. There is no sign of the stranger, and the rain is getting heavier by the moment.

    "ARE YOU STILL OUT HERE?!!" the husband calls out.

    "Yes!" comes the reply faintly in the distance. "DO YOU STILL NEED A PUSH?" he calls out as he trudges out into the rain towards the sound of the strangers voice. "Oh yes pleesh!" comes the reply.

    "WHERE ARE YOU?" the husband calls out, squinting through the pouring rain to try spot the stranger.

    "Over here, on the swing..."
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  11. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. No thanks, I'm married.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me!
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. A pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
    9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
    10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
  12. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over with their blow holes.

    She was hesitant at first, but finally went along with it.

    Then, he said, "Since that was so much fun, let's go back and eat the sailors!" to which, she exclaimed, "I went along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You're not going to get me to eat seamen, too."
  13. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Was talking to my old man the other day, and as is usually the way, my phone kept beeping and buzzing and being very distracting.

    In the end, not being able to contain his disdain, my father rolled his eyes and exclaimed "Bloody hell can't you go for 5 mins without your damn technology? Back in my day, we barely had any technology and we survived just fine! Hardly watched tv, if we weren't near a phone too bad try again later. Those were the good old days, uncomplicated"

    "But you live in the age of technology", I replied, "nearly every aspect of our lives are controlled by electronics and computers. They have made our lives so much easier and better!"

    "I reckon we'd be much better off without it, back to the simple life... I know I'd be a lot happier!"

    So I unplugged his life support...
  14. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    I just heard that cock fighting is done with roosters.

    That's 12 months of training wasted....
  15. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A married couple go to the local show every year. The husband rides most of the rides as the wife usually looks on.

    Every year they walk past a helicopter joy flight stand, and the wife says "One year I'm gonna do that". Every year the husband has the same response. "I know dear, but it's $100! And $100 is $100".

    So this goes on for years, and it's always the same response from the husband, "But it's $100, and $100 is $100".

    This year they go to the show as always, but only to look and remember. They come past the helicopter joy flight. The wife turns to her husband.

    "Look I'm 82 this year, I'm not getting any younger. If I don't do it this year, I'm probably never going to".

    Husband " We do this every year, it's $100, and $100 is $100". The wife's head drops and they start to walk off.

    The pilot overhears the couple and calls them over. "I can see you really want to ride, so here's what I'll do. You can ride just this once for free, but if either of you make any noise, it's $100. Ok?"

    The wife excitedly agrees, and the husband grudgingly nods his ascent.

    It's a little 3 seater, everyone up the front. So up they go, and the wife looks out the front like a little girl on her first ride as the husband sits near the door admiring the view. The pilot decides to give them a bit of a ride, so he starts performing some manoeuvres, dipping and climbing. Still the couple kept quiet. So he decides to bump it up a knotch, really tipping into the turns and flying low and fast. Still not a peep from his passengers.

    Finally the pilot decides they've had enough. He heads back and lands.

    The pilot says "Wow you guys really enjoyed this didn't you, you haven't made a sound"

    The wife says "Yeah it was great. I was gonna tell you my husband fell out, but $100 is $100..."
  16. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.

    Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

    A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."

    "Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. "As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
  17. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Anyone know of any jobs going for a mate of mine?

    After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion...he slept with one of his patients, and can now no longer work in the profession.

    What a waste of all that training and money.

    A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet!!!
  18. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    What do you get if you inject a goat with human DNA?

    Banned from the petting zoo...
  19. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    HOLY CRAP you will not believe what just happened to me. I went down to the servo to fuel up the bike and when I pulled in I noticed these two cops looking at a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I saw her and was like...hmmm what a Rebel....with two cops right there.

    I went in, paid for my fuel and as I went to walk out I hear someone screaming!! I look outside and that woman's arm was on fire!! She was tossin about waving her arm around and just going friggin nuts. I ran over and the cops had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with an extinguisher. When I was walking to my bike the cops put handcuffs on her and were about to put her in the car. I was like...what on earth?!?...so being the smart ass I am I asked the cops what in the hell they were arresting her for....figuring that catching her arm ablaze would be punishment enough.

    He looked me dead in my eye and said......."For waving a Firearm in public."
  20. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Absentee Moderator / PS5 ACC Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A group of hard looking Harley riders are cruising the back roads when they come upon a large bunch of police cars all surrounding a tall bridge over a dried up river bed.

    In the middle of the bridge, on the wrong side of the railings and leaning dangerously is a gorgeous looking blonde in a tight little skirt, tears streaming and running mascara screaming about letting go.

    The lead biker stops at the back of the police cars and wades through the gathered officers there, ignoring their calls to stop and shouldering through right up to the blonde.

    Now it had been some time since the biker had been with a women, and he saw his chance to be a knight in shining armour and was going to take full advantage.

    "What is a beautiful blonde doing here on this bridge like this?"

    "I'm not beautiful and all my friends tell me so..." the blonde sobs.

    "Now now that's just not true," says the biker "and if you give me one kiss I will take you away with us and you will never be sad again!"

    The blonde turns towards the burly biker, and they have the most passionate kiss that even the officers turn away, and the bikers buddies start whistling and cat-calling.

    After the kiss, the blonde whispers breathlessly in the bikers ear "Isn't it funny how things turn out" as the police start to pack up and get back in their cars.

    "What do you mean?" asks the biker.

    "Well just yesterday I had a big fight with my Dad, that's why I'm here. I decided it's better to end it all after he said to me 'No son of mine is gonna go around pretending to be a woman!!'"



    The blonde didn't survive the fall to the dry river bed.
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