Happy Fathers Day ROOZ dads

:lol: you poor bugger! i wrote this for you m8 hope it gives you laugh on the big day when it comes.

but yeah i know how you feel m8. i used to grab the nearest case of spirits and crawl up into ball and start rocking back and forth when the inlaws was on the way!!!
there is no easy way to deal with the inlaws, specially on the only day that is meant for your god giving right get out of bed and crack a beer at 7am and have it with your bacon and egg (cooked for you)

Then you unwrapped the prezzies from the kids and missus. which always seems to be a pair of dad socks from the kids and missus hands you her prezzie/s which is a tool of some sort.
So after you have put on your new socks from the kids, and checked out your new tool from the missus. (which the you know the missus has got a ton of jobs lined up for you to do with it)
She turn and looks you square in the face with a huge cheesey smile and says that her family is going to be here in half an hour. while holding back the rage and the mad man eye twitch.

you say "ok love thats great i going to go jump in the shower" and in your head your thinking of when your in there you're going to cut my throat from ear to ear while shaving or slip on the soap crack my god dam head open just so you go to hospital and don't have to spent the day with these ****heads on your only day of lazyiness. because you know it would be less painful, and drugs they give you there are better and cheaper then the 2 cartons of beer and 8 bottles of scotch your are going to drink just to put up with them..

But you get out of the shower safely and get your armoured suit on and then you go straight to the fridge and poor your 90% scotch and 10% coke (in the biggest ing cup you can find) to try and numb the pain of what you know is coming. (it only 10am by this time)

Then the sound of the beginning nightmare go off THE DOOR BELL, and the missus yells out "Can get that, it's mum and dad!!!!" all of a sudden the blood pressure triple and your twitchly eye starts playing up again..
You say after you swollow a box full of drugs (pain killers) with your lovingly made scotch, HIC CUP BUUUURP!!! "yep no worries babe"

On the way to the door your thinking that you should have said "yes" weeks ago to your mates about going for that game of fathers day game golf and then drinking yourself faced at the 19th hole. (the club house) but you are a family man and you love this stuff remember!!! :lol: you said "No coz you want to spend a quite day with the missus and kids"

You open the door and there they are!!!!! THE YOUR LOVELY INLAWS the first thing you thing you hear is good old mum open her trap (The Dragon)
and what comes out in the most head busting cheery tone is
"Hellooooooo, how are you? happy fathers day"
You say "hi yeah i'm good thank you"
but you really wanted to say was "F*** OFF!!!!!! this is my day and yous F***ERS had to turn up F***ING destroy it"
But you don't because your a family man and your missus would rip your go nads off and stuff them up your tail pipe.

Then good old dad (The Grumpy Old Pr**k) says while shacking your hand.
"hey how are you? happy fathers day mate" you say the same in return, but what you really wanted to do was rip his arm off and start use it like a baseball bat and beat the living sh*t out them..
BLAH BLAH BLAH convo goes on for 2 or 3mins, even thou you have thrown up 18 times in your mouth coz the sight of them turn you green at the gills..

Then the missus comes in "HEY" she bubbles out of her mouth as she pacing down the hallways to greet her mum and dad big hugs kisses all that crap goes on all the way to the kitchen.

Then now what happens next you still can't F***ING believe even on your day. the missus says "flick the kettle on sweetie"
You stand there dumb founder BUT you say "yeah no worries babe" but you wanted say "what the do i look like your F***ING slave"
Then you have to stand at that F***ING kettle wait for it to F***ING boil,
and theeeeeeeeeeen you have to make tea and bloody coffee coz if you leave and go to the shed and turn the TV on to watch the footy and sip quietly on your scotch which has melted the glass, coz its so god dam strong.

So You stand there and make them and do whole 2 cube of kiss my arse in this cup, 1 in this F***ING 1, and stir and serve them at the table.
then the missus says "did you get the biscuts for mum and dad" FOR SAKE!!!! so you go get the bekkies for the drogon and the old pr**k.

Sit at the table for a while and you say to the the old Pr*ck "are you watching the footy today mate?"
coz you know if he wants to watch it, it will give you an excutes to get out of the kitchen and back to that scotch which is hot by now, Which YOU REALLY NEED!!!!!!
But before he can open his mouth the dragon pipes up and says "yeah you men go watch the footy"

The only reason the dragon piped up was to get you out of the room to get all the dirty on you from the missus, In your head your like " YEAH scotch here i come" and really dont care.
"Come on old man lets go to shed and watch the footy"

So your out in the shed with the old pr*ck, and BLAH BLAH F***ING BLAH, your trying relax, watch the footy and all that old pr*ck wants to do is talk about that old F***ING dragon and how she is losing her mind and pissing him off, how the bloody weather has been lately and all the little things at his house which you really don't give a flying F***ING rats arse about.

3pm the mid avro BBQ
The old farts have been you the booze for awhile now, and you have to cook the BBQ.
Which you know is a pain in the arse, coz the dragon wants her bloody steak cooked this bloody way and the old pr*ck doesn't like the way you cook a BBQ period!!!!
All done and i have to say Anon you doing very well mate, i would kill them by now... :lol:

All sitting down eating and the dragon is chewing on her steak you cooked for her which she asked for very well done.
And she says "the steak is chewy" you want to say "Well ME you say you wanted it well done you old dragon"
the old pr*ck looks at you like your a useless and so on so forth. But you don't care but now coz you have about 3 bottles of scotch in ya guts.
the missus turn to you and wispers in your ear "you know what mums like, it lovely sweetie" you reply "thanks babe"

after the BBQ is done the dragon and old pr*ck ask "where is sweets" You think here we F***ING GO AGAIN!!!
"hey Sweetie can you go grap the 2 big bowls out of the fridge and the icecream out or freezer pleeeeeeeease?"
So like a good little B*TCH that you are, you do. Just so you get 5 mins away from that god dam dragon..

Later in the evening the red wine comes out, then the oldies start talk about you and what you have done and what you should do, with the kids, the house, the car your work even the F***ING dog!!.
And your missus is just sitting there taking it all in, agreeing with them. this you say off to the lounge room, so off you go with the rest of your scotch. (2 bottles and no coke)
On the way you stop in the bathroom take some more pain killing drugs (2 boxes) coz your head is thumping from the dredged inlaws.
turn the tv on arrrrrh thats better relaxing at last... 10 mins later you've spilt your scotch all over the lounge and have pasted out!!! What a fathers day you had Anon.

hope you don't pissing your laughing when you see the inlaws next
:lol: Happy Fathers Day mate from 1 family man to another!!!! Hope your day goes smoothly

PS HAPPY FATHERS DAY ALL THE ROOZS DADS & ALL THE SOON TO BE DADS.....
In the end its all worth the pain we go through, highs and lows its always good to be the man of the house...

Aussie_man

:lol: maybe nah mate thay wusn't, i just type and my brain sometimes goes faster then my fingers or is that the other way around.

Thanks Aussie, great write up. Got to say, it's not a million miles away from what normally happens when they visit. I'll have a few hours in the morning before they get here, so I'll enjoy a sleep in and add a few more pairs of socks to the drawer. I actually came up with a cunning plan today. We have a dryer at work that is playing up, so I'm going to tell the wife I have to go out and check out some new ones cause it's the only chance I'll have. Who knows how long that might take??!?!?!? Hehe.

Here's a few real stories about my inlaws that might bring a smile to your face Aussie.

1. Christmas last year. The day after boxing day her whole family is gathered at her parents. Everyone is sitting around whinging about, and yelling at each others kids. I've had enough, grab my youngest and go for a drive and get a coffee and some fresh air. On walking back into the house my mother-in-law looks at me questioningly and says, "Where did that come from?", pointing at my takeaway coffee. "I went out and got it, just now, I asked if anyone wanted anything??". "Oh, I didn't hear you. I didn't even notice you'd left.", she says with snort. I then have the same conversation with my Father-in-law and sister-in-law. These people know how to make you feel loved!!

2. Easter around 5 years ago. We turn up on Easter Sunday because I had to work the Saturday. I park a carton of brown soldiers in the fridge and eat some food that even a starving bum sleeping under a cardboard box might think twice about giving to his worst enemies dog!! An hour and 1 beer later, I have stomach cramps and start turning green, so I call it a night. The next day the 2 brothers-in-law start packing up to leave early for their respective camping trips.... nice catching up guys?? Even nicer was that afternoon after they had left, I went to the bar fridge to grab a beer and there's only 5 XXXX gold's left!!! I'd brought Tooheys Extra Dry!!!! Pricks...

3. Uninvited, the inlaws pop in for dinner on their way home from f@#k knows what. I'm cooking a roast chook. They are late, so I leave it in the oven until they have arrived and gotten sorted. Although I was smart enough to turn the oven down a bit and cover it in alfoil so it didn't dry out too much. Masterchef, here I come. On presenting the bird, the inlaws get excited and start complementing my wife on her cooking skills. She foolishly tells them that I had cooked it. Immediately the old cow is all over me as I start to cut into it. "Oh dear!", she exclaims, "It's not cooked, look at the liquid coming out of it!!". I immediately start having fantasies about the knife I'm holding, "It's a 1.5kg chook that's been in the oven for over 3 hours!!! It's beyond cooked, it's nearly cremated!!", but I may as well have shoved an umbrella up my arse and joined the circus. Back in the oven it went for another 45 minutes until she was certain it was cooked. Suffice to say that there was no liquid coming out of that chicken when we finally attempted to eat it, nor was there any flavour or nutritional value, it was the consistency of dried fruit and tasted like charcoal. But it was cooked...

Ahhh, got to love em. At least you can pick your friends.

Happy Father's Day to all the ROOZ Dad's!!!!

Ahah gold Aussie / Anon... suffer in ya jocks... er I mean HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

:lol: at Snake: good call on the "Drunken arse typing" ! :lol:

SSSSSSWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT

i got some mats for my home gym, a chocolate football, and a kick in the giggle berries at 7:15 from my 4 year old. !!