ADZ'S JOKE OF THE DAY... erm WEEK maybe?!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Ad2mny, Jul 3, 2016.

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  1. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    [​IMG]
    Get your daily dose of smile right here on your favourite forum!!

    I'll try to keep the level of crudeness low. Replies are turned off, I've been in lobbies with most of you guys, and I know how quickly the banter goes downhill!!

    So without any further ado....
  2. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    The man replied, "That’s okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
  3. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    My girlfriend got down on one knee to me today...

    "I love you" she said, "Will you marry me?"

    Let's talk about it when you've finished, ok?
  4. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    The pilot calls over the intercom that the plane is about to crash, and that the passengers should prepare themselves for an extremely rough landing.

    A female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
    seth123, Zachery, colin-50_ and 9 others like this.
  5. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    The flooding is getting pretty bad here. It's almost waist deep. It's practically impossible to get anywhere or get any work done. The missus just stands there at the window and stares...

    If it gets much worse out there, I might have to let her inside.
  6. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Went to the local swimming pool today.

    I'm totally ashamed, got caught taking a sneaky leak in the deep end.

    The life guard yelled at me so loudly, I almost fell in...
  7. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

    A little girl raises her hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

    'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

    'It sure was,' said the little girl.

    'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say F@$& OFF!' the Rottweiler ate her!

    The teacher had to leave the room.
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  8. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

    With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

    The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor ?

    The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
  9. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS!

    A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

    Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

    The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

    A banana was sticking out of his ass.

    Police suspect a cereal killer.
    Zachery, colin-50_, Clevohead and 4 others like this.
  10. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
    The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and eats them.
    He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

    The bartender looked at the guy and said "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
    "No, what?"
    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

    Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

    The bartender asked "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
    "No, what?" replied the man.
    "Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
  11. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A man approaches an attractive young woman in a shop.
    He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
    The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
    "Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with breasts as perfect as yours, she appears out of nowhere!"
  12. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A man calls 000.

    Man "Oh my god I think my wife is dead!!"

    Operator "What's the problem?"

    Man " Well the sex is about the same, but the ironing is really piling up... "
  13. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital..

    While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

    God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

    She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten and whiten her teeth!

    Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

    While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded:

    What happened? "I thought you said I had another 43 years to live? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


    God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
  14. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

    The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
    mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

    The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
  15. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

    She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years!" he says.

    She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

    He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

    Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

    He replies, "Ten years!"

    She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

    He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

    Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

    And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a Playstation in there!"
  16. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;

    "Windows frozen, won't open.”

    Husband texts back;

    "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

    Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

    "Computer really stuffed now."
  17. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me.

    I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ...

    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
  18. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked "Why in the world would you need cyanide ?"

    The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! Absolutely not! All kinds of bad things will happen. You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce !"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said...

    "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
  19. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
    He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
    I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -
    1) you have to be single and
    2) you must be Catholic."
    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
    The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
    "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
    "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
    The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
  20. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

    "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

    "What are the three tests?" asks the man

    "Gotta pay first."

    So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

    "OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

    "Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

    The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

    "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

    He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

    Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

    Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

    "NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
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