ADZ'S JOKE OF THE DAY... erm WEEK maybe?!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Ad2mny, Jul 3, 2016.

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  1. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

    Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

    "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

    A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife.

    "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

    "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"
  2. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

    He said, "Up until last month I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

    I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

    "Oh no, nothing like that," he said, “I was paroled."
  3. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in Temple for an hour after services for me?"

    Irving, not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend, reluctantly agreed. After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

    After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving, what are you really up to with all this?"

    Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi. "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

    The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said;

    "Irving, I think you'd better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".
  4. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Farm hand: Mind if I talk to your horse?

    Farmer: Horses don't talk!

    Farm hand: Hey horse, how's it going?

    Horse: Not bad.

    Farmer: (A wild look of shock)

    Farm hand: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)

    Horse: Yep.

    Farm hand: How's he treat you?

    Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
    often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

    Farmer: (total look of amazement)

    Farm hand: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?


    Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!
    garyw61, Ad2mny and Peter Wise like this.
  5. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    ”In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

    The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It's a candle”. he said.

    “You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

    The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They're bells.”

    Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

    The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just
    what do those symbolize?”

    The Irishman replied “These are Carols.”
  6. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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  7. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    emmo46 --------- team GRT
    Back on January 4th, a group of bikers were riding on the Great Western Highway when they saw a girl about to jump off the Nepean Bridge. So they stopped.

    George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police officer who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
    "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
    why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
    and it was a long, deep, lingering tongue swapping kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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  8. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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  9. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    John was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business.


    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.


    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

    Her natural beauty took his breath away.


    "I may look like an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."


    Impressed, the woman asked forhis business card.


    Three days later, she became his stepmother.


    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
  10. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

    Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

    Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

    In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
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  11. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

    He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

    The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

    Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

    Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

    The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

    "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for:
    By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

    The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.”

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

    Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

    The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.

    Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

    But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
  12. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

    ‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

    The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!
  13. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
    through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
    family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with
    a cheque for £50.

    At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
    The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took
    him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind
    with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon,
    eggs, sausage and tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring
    him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.

    ‘All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ‘but what’s the pound for?’
    ‘Well,’ said the blonde, ‘last night, I told my husband that today would be your
    last day and that we should do something special for you.

    ‘I asked him what I should give you?'

    ‘He said, ‘F##k him. Give him a quid.’

    She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
  14. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A store that sells new husbands has opened in our town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

    You may visit this store only once. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

    A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    She continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street, with the same rules.

    The First Floor has wives that love sex.

    The Second Floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.

    The Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth floors have never been visited.
  15. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

    So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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  16. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Little Johnny is about to start high school, and he is sitting with his Mum and Dad at the kitchen table as his parents reminisce about their school years.

    Mum disappears into the bedroom and returns with a folder that she says she “made at the end of her schooling as a reminder of her friends and good times in High School”

    On the very first page is Johnny’s Mother’s year 12 ID card, along with some snaps of his parents all dressed up for their Year 12 break-up party.

    Little Johnny’s attention however remains fixed on his Mother’s ID card, and a smile comes over his face.

    “What is it son?” asks his Father. Little Johnny points at a section on the card.

    SEX: F

    “Dad, how could you go with someone who got an F and failed sex?”

    Johnny’s father fell off his chair...
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
  17. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party.
    The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...

    "In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
    "Before we kill you, I grant you three requests"
    "What is your FIRST request?’

    The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
    The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.

    Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed.
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse," but we will still kill you in two days."
    "What is your SECOND request?"
    The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse.

    Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
    As before, Silver took off and disappeared.
    Over the horizon, later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned,
    This time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
    She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.
    The following morning the Indian Chief said:

    "You are indeed a man of many talents,""But we will still kill you tomorrow."
    "What is your LAST request?"
    The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
    The Chief was curious, but he agreed,
    And Silver was brought to The Lone Ranger's tent.

    Once they were alone,
    The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,Looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
    "BRING POSSE!"
  18. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

    "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

    "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
  19. emmo46

    emmo46 GTLOZ Results Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    After my recent prostate exam, which was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left the room and the nurse came in.

    As she shut the door she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.

    "Who was that guy?” she asked.
  20. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

    Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

    Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

    The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

    The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
    The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

    The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

    'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
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