ADZ'S JOKE OF THE DAY... erm WEEK maybe?!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Ad2mny, Jul 3, 2016.

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  1. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
    Officer: Age?
    Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
    Officer: Height?
    Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
    OFFICER : Weight?
    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
    OFFICER : Color of eyes?
    Husband: Sort of brown I think.
    OFFICER : Color of hair?
    Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
    OFFICER : What was she wearing?
    Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
    OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
    Husband: She went in my truck.
    OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
    Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
    Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
    sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
    It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

    At this point the husband started choking up.

    OFFICER:Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.
  2. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
    He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”
    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”
    The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”
    Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
    The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy… activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”
    The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
    The chief replied, “My bike.”
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  3. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    ** Beware **
    I ordered Chinese locally (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
    I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
    I was driving at the time so I pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!
    I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
    And there it was ...



    ... A Peeking Duck!!!
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  4. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night pulling off my boxers when my wife said to me..


    "You really spoil those dogs"
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  5. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."
    The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job."
    The owner asks, "What do you do?"
    The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."
    The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested."
    The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"
    The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians :):):):)ing Their Brains Out."
    The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"
    The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.
    The guy answers, "I :):):):)ed Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."
    The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "OK, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incredible. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees.
    That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.
    One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?"
    He says “know it?” “I :):):):)ing wrote it”.
  6. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    I have a friend who’s a flasher. I asked him how the flashing was going now with Covid and all?
    He replied, "Not to good but I’m prepared to stick it out for another twelve months!
  7. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and decided she needed another pet to keep her company. Off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in she looked and he winked at her.

    He whispered, 'I'M LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

    Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else, so she bought the frog. She placed him in the car on the front seat beside her.

    As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her
    'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

    Ida figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.

    Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

    The prince then returned Ida’s kiss.

    Suddenly Ida felt herself transforming from his kiss.

    Can you guess what Ida turned into?







    She turned into The first Holiday Inn she could find.

    Ida might be oldish but she had not yet croaked.!
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  8. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    I was standing at the bar at the Pub one night minding my own business.

    This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

    I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

    She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

    I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

    **********************************************************************

    I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

    Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;

    I said "Nah, she's pretty good looking."

    *********************************************************************

    I was talking to a young woman in the Pub last night.

    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;

    I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;

    ********************************************************************

    I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

    "Really" she said, "Go on then, try."

    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

    I said, "Yesterday."

    *********************************************************************

    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
  9. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars2 Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
    When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
    there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
    St. Peter chains them together and says,
    'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

    The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
    With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
    She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
    The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

    The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
    duck.
  10. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom lost his wife a year or so before & rumor had it he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

    Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

    Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing that nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea & said he would look for one that afternoon.

    About four months later the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife,?' asked the banker.

    Tom replied with pride, 'She's fine & she's pregnant.'

    The banker, happy that his sage advice worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

    Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

    Don't ever underestimate old guys.
  11. Ad2mny

    Ad2mny Moderator / PS4 Project Cars2 Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
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  12. emmo46

    emmo46 Steward Team Raceonoz Gold Member Super ROOZ

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    At the top of a hill is a house of prostitution and there are three men. One of the men just walked out the door, one of the men is on his way to the place, and the third man is inside.

    What is the nationality of the three men?







    Think about it.







    Give up?

    The man leaving is Finnish. The man on his way to the place is Russian.
    The man still there – Himalayan.
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